A Letter From God

Hi there, God here. How’s it goin’? Ok, stupid question. I know how it’s going ‘cause I’m God. I don’t mean to make fun of your problems, but you know what? In my line of work, you’ve gotta have a sense of humor or you’re screwed. You should have a sense of humor too. After all, I made you in my image, so trust me on this and just lighten up. It really does help.

You may ask, why am I writing to you on this guy Walmsley’s website? I mean, to be honest, he’s kind of a B-minus celebrity, and it’s not like millions of people are ever gonna read this. Walmsley doesn’t even go to church, unless they have music. (That’s not so great, but he’s a decent fellow who loves animals and nature, so I’m gonna cut him some slack). Did you ever hear the phrase “God works in mysterious ways?” This is one of those times. Yeah, I could’ve picked a bigger platform, but if I’d sent it to the New York Times, who’d have believed it? Once I sent the Virgin Mary to Fatima. Remember that? They made a film about it. Three kids saw her, that’s it. Trust me, if I’d wanted her to appear on the pitcher’s mound at Yankee Stadium in the middle of game 7 of the World Series, I could’ve done it. That’s just not my style. I like to think of myself as an artist, you know? In all modesty, I think I’ve created some pretty impressive “big” stuff - the earth, the sky - basically the whole universe, but it’s the small stuff I’m really proud of. You know what was one of my favorites? Earthworms. They eat the soil, and when it comes out the other end it’s better than when it went in. I’m really proud of that. Think about that for a second. You may not realize it, but the small stuff you do really, really matters. So, do me a favor. The next time you’re walking along, and you see an earthworm stranded on the sidewalk, put it back on the grass, ok?

I know millions of you around the world are upset about the Coronavirus, and I don’t blame you. You shouldn’t blame me either. I hate to break it to you, but you brought this on. You know the line, “money is the root of all evil?” (I came up with that, by the way). Here’s the problem: a whole lot of you down there care a lot more about money than you do about the planet or each other. Here’s what happened, in a nutshell: The virus existed for a long time in animals. It wasn’t hurting them, they have immunity. Then “civilization” encroached on wild habitats. You hunted animals like the Asian Pangolin anteater, (I love those little guys - they look like a mini-dinosaur covered in armor). You sold them in illegal markets, and voilà, contamination. You put your love of money ahead of public health and the good of humanity, and look what happened - lots of people got sick and died - and your precious economy tanked anyway. This is all part of the same basic problem: greed. Trust me here. I’ve seen civilizations come and go - worlds even - and I’m telling you now: YOU’RE ON THE WRONG PATH. I can’t say it any plainer.

I love Mother Nature. So should you. Let me tell you, she is one cool chick. We actually dated for a while - nothing serious - you know, a pizza, a couple of cappuccinos. Once we sat together and watched the DVD of Oh, God starring George Burns. I laughed till my sides hurt. She laughed too, and almost started an earthquake. Burns lived to be a hundred. He’d have lived to a hundred and twenty, but he smoked cigars. Speaking of smoking, I created tobacco. I thought it was a nice little plant. Who knew somebody’d set it on fire and inhale it? Oye. Anyway, back to Mother Nature. Like I said, she is waaaay cool, I mean, you know, one of my favorite people. In the end, we decided just to be “friends” ‘cause, to be perfectly honest, she can be a real ballbuster. I say this in the kindest, most respectful way. I’ve been trying to get the word out since THE BEGINNING - don’t piss off Mother Nature. Let me tell you a story. You know, I created dinosaurs. Loved ‘em. They were big, they were built like tanks. One day, I had a little quarrel with Mother Nature, and BOOM! Ice age. Dinosaurs gone, just like that. So, I’ve been trying really hard to get the word out - I gave you Jane Goodall, Jacques Cousteau, Sir David Attenborough - I even sent a little girl from Sweden around the world to get the message across, but a lot of you still aren’t listening. Now you’ve got global warming and Covid to thank for it. And who do you run to for help? Me! Oye.

When the virus began, most of you went into lockdown - not soon enough - but you did, and it was good. And Mother Nature? I haven’t seen her that happy in a long time. Without traffic, the streets were empty and quiet. Co2 levels dropped. The skies became blue again, and rivers and canals ran clear. Animals sensed the stillness, and they ventured out. Deer roamed freely, and goats and peacocks wandered city streets. With seaports at a standstill, whales began to appear in harbors they hadn’t visited in ages. It reminded me of the good old days. Sadly, this idyll was not to last. Lockdowns ended. Humans went back to work, or escaped on holidays. The roads were once again choked with traffic. Factories belched smoke into the atmosphere. Fast food restaurants reopened, and drive-thru customers tossed their empty Big Mac containers and KFC boxes out of car windows; and the beautiful, natural landscape I created for all to share was once again defiled with cans of Red Bull, Bud Lite, and little knotted plastic bags of dog excrement. Hundreds of thousands jammed beaches and campgrounds, leaving mountains of rubbish in their wake. Meanwhile, the rainforests continued burning, and the polar ice caps continued to melt. Paradise lost. Again.

Humans, the so-called “thinking animal” have a nasty and annoying habit of feeling superior to one another as well as to other forms of life on the planet. This is a pompous and inaccurate assumption. Get over it. Humans are the only animal that willfully and habitually destroy their own habitat. The truth is, if all human beings were to disappear from the face of the earth - and believe me, I could make this happen - other life on Earth would continue to thrive. Cities would crumble, and the planet would eventually return to its natural balance. If the situation were reversed, and humans were the last remaining species, their survival would be short-lived. If this makes you feel insignificant, it should. I created humans to be the caretakers of the Earth, its gardeners and guardians, to cherish and care for the planet, not plunder and abuse it. Listen to the scientists, please. I created them, too. The scientists are simply there to explain to the technically-minded how I do what I do. Remember “God helps those who help themselves.” That doesn’t mean helping yourself to what doesn’t belong to you. It simply means I’m here to help. The rest is up to you.

Peace,

God